Milestones

In the first year of a baby's life, there are a TON of milestones they are supposed to hit.  There are things like rolling over, following sounds with their eyes, picking up toys, and the list goes on and on.  These  milestones are important parts of a baby's development and are a good indicator of potential developmental delays.  Ever since we found out that Benny was rockin' an extra chromosome, we have been told how he will most likely be a little slower hitting these milestones.  This, honestly, has never bothered me with the exception of a few moments I experienced recently.  I'll get to that in a minute...

When the doctors at the hospital starting talking about Benny's potential developmental delays with Mark and I, it was pretty flipping hilarious if you ask me.  The doctor told us very delicately that Ben would probably not walk until he was at least two years of age.  Mark and I, true to our nature, started laughing.  We immediately knew what the other was laughing about, but the doctor had no clue.  Mark then spoke up and said, "We have no clue whatsoever when a baby is supposed to start walking, so we would have never known the difference until someone told us!"  

I am the baby of my family, and Mark and his siblings are very close in age.  For this reason, neither one of us has ever spent any significant time around babies.  As a matter of fact, Ben is the first newborn baby Mark has ever held.  I think that's pretty dang special.  Take all this into account, and the fact that Ben is our first child, and you can understand why we don't know much about the milestones of small children.  To be honest, we don't know much about babies or kids at all!  We definitely know more now that we did three and a half months ago, but we are still pretty ignorant. 

Anyway, we went to meet with the doctor that will be Benny's Down Syndrome specialist for the first time this week.  She went through a lot of information with us, and most of it was about...once again...milestones.  We got all good news throughout the appointment.  She obviously can't tell much at this point, but what she could tell was very positive. Benny is a healthy little man!!  However, once we got our paperwork at the end of the appointment I noticed it said "severe hypotonia" under his diagnosis.  Hypotonia is a fancy name for low muscle tone, which is the norm for babies with Down Syndrome.  Now, I already knew this but for some reason it sent me back to something that happened a few weeks before.

I have a few friends that had babies right around the same time I had Ben.  My best friend's little girl, Addison, is almost exactly a month older than Ben.

Miss Addison and Benny

 I was playing with her and I couldn't help but notice how solid she was.  She's holding her head up all by herself with almost full control!  Now, this worried me for a moment because Ben can't hold his head up much at all yet, but Addison is a month older so I shrugged it off.  Then, the next day, we were hanging out at Mark's buddy's house.  Him and his wife had just had a baby girl, Viviana, two weeks before Ben.  First of all, these little girls are way too cute and I totally have bow envy.  I might have to put one or two on Ben when Mark's not looking!!  Anyhow, I digress.  While playing with Viviana I realized how much stronger than Ben she was as well.  This, was my moment.  I had heard from so many people, so many times about how Ben was going to be a little slower hitting these milestones.  Hearing it, however, is very different from when you actually notice it.

Viviana and Benny

It's not like I had a breakdown and starting screaming "WHY GOD, WHY?!!?" at the ceiling or anything, but I did have a moment.  It just kind of gave me a lump in my throat.  My son will be behind other kids.  He will be...slower.  I don't know why it hit me funny, but it just did.

Looking at that page that said, "Severe Hypotonia",  I suddenly remembered that feeling I had holding Vivi.  It wasn't a scared feeling, or a sad feeling per se, it just was a realization.  Ok, maybe a little scared, but definitely not sad.  You see, I am at an amazing place in my life right now.  Ben's diagnosis doesn't bother me anymore.  It hasn't since before I had him.  However, sometimes I think that might possibly be because he hasn't been any different yet.  He's just been the sweetest, calmest, cutest, most precious baby ever!  I am so not biased...

The next week after the specialist appointment, we had a visit from Ben's physical therapist for the first time.  She brought to our attention, as I had started to suspect, that he was favoring his left side and was starting to get an uneven head.  Ugh...  This, of course, sparked a bunch of questions from me.  It's weird though how people avoid my questions sometimes.  I keep asking people how he is doing with holding his head up as compared to where he is "supposed" to be, and nobody really gives me a straight answer.  This unfortunately scares the crap out of me and makes me think it's really bad and nobody has the heart to tell me.  Once again....I had a moment.

It's almost as if I keep experiencing a manic depressive reaction to Ben's diagnosis.  I go for a really long time on an extreme high, and then something scares the crap out of me and I hit a low for a...well...moment.  I never, ever feel the whole "why me" thing, or feel bad about the fact that he has Down Syndrome.  I just get scared that I am going to do something wrong that keeps him from reaching his potential.  I am terrified that, because I don't know much about kids, he is going to miss a milestone and I am going to have no idea.  I am petrified about the possibility of failing him.

I always thought, before getting pregnant, that if I ever got the diagnosis that my child had a birth defect  my life would be ruined.  It's quite the opposite actually.  I, and I mean this, honestly feel lucky that I get to raise Ben.  I feel like I hit the lottery by Ben having Down Syndrome because there are so many more ups to it than downs (no pun intended).  My life isn't even close to ruined because of this, it has been transformed in the most positive way.  For this reason, my fears aren't about him.  My fears, or my moments, are about me.  Am I going to be able to give him everything he needs to reach his full potential?  Am I going to be able to handle it well when I realize that his full potential is different than his peers?  It seems, as a mama, that I am going to have a lot of milestones that I have to work towards as well.  The only thing I know for sure I am doing right is loving him.  That milestone has a big, huge double check with a line of gold stars! 

Mom Guilt

There are quite a few things about motherhood I thought I understood, but now I know I didn't.  There are things that just simply can't be explained to someone about being a mom.  You have to experience it to get it.  Some of these things are good, and some of them are...well...less than awesome.  One thing I can say I have found to be not so great is this new found guilt I have.

I know you've probably read or heard this story a million times.  "Boo Hoo!  Mommy is sad because she has to leave her new baby and go back to work."  Well, you've heard it a million times because it is seriously traumatic!  My emotions my first day back were straight up comical.  I must have kissed Benjamin a hundred times trying to get out of the door.  I kept showing my mom different things around my house she might need to know to procrastinate my imminent departure.  I'm surprised I didn't take her into the basement to show her what I reckon to be the best corner to crouch in case of a tornado.  After running out of things to show or tell her, I then walked out the door with my tail between my legs.  I think I got out of the driveway before I started crying, but that might be a lie. 

Once I pulled myself together and headed on in to the office, I think it took me about thirty seconds to start showing off pictures of my baby.  Mind you, most of these people are on my Facebook page and had probably seen the 78,973 pictures of Benny I had already posted...the day before.  However, none of this mattered to me.  I missed my baby and I felt guilty for leaving him.  I sat down at my desk, plugged in my computer, and looked down to see wet spots letting me know that I probably should have put breast pads in if I was gonna think about my baby this much.  Awesome. 

I know it seems ridiculous, but I ACTUALLY felt like Ben was going to resent me for this.  In my mind, my ten week old son was somehow going to suffer severely one day because mommy went to work.   Isn't that what the blond chick from The View was always saying?

After I finally logged in to my computer, I started getting my almost three months of email in check.  I slowly but surely started wrapping my head around what I had missed.  You see, I REALLY love my job.  I am not kidding.  I LOVE what I do.  Because of this, I slowly started to realize that I actually missed it.  I started catching up with my boss and my co-workers, and I started to feel great!  This was so nice until it hit me.  Not only was I a horrible mother for leaving my child, I was an even worse mother because I was enjoying myself!  The NERVE!  What the hell is wrong with me?!

As I am writing this, I have been back to work for almost a full month now.  Things definitely got easier after that first day, but I still struggle.  I just thank God every single day for how blessed I am.  I have an amazing career that gives me the ability to see my son throughout the day and even spend my lunches nursing him.  I still feel guilty from time to time.  I just can't shake it.  I am guessing all mothers experience that guilt from time to time.  Even if I did have the opportunity to stay at home with Ben, I would probably feel guilty when I spent my days cleaning instead of playing with him.  Ahhh motherhood!  You are one complicated role that I am positive has never been completely mastered in the eyes of the women who play it!   It's a role that comes with no script and is slightly or dramatically different with every woman who takes it on.  It is the most fulfilling, terrifying, and enlightening role you will ever play.  Whenever I feel that guilt popping up, I'm just gonna have smash it back down.  I need to realize that I love my son more than anything on this earth, and I will never fail in making sure he knows it!  If that doesn't work, there's always a Late Harvest Riesling that will do the job.