Ben through it all...: January 2015

Seriously, how freaking cute is this picture?

Benny recently had one of his epic photoshoots with Angela Hibbert Photography, and i can't stop looking at these pictures! First of all, my little man was in THE most perfect mood for pictures EVER! He was hamming it up and smiling his little booty off for Angie so much that you would have thought the kid was a supermodel! Pretty sure he made her day!

The pictures are spectacular! Simply stunning! I think anyone would say he looks like he should be in adds based on how well they turned out, but there is one picture in particular that sticks out as my favorite. There's one picture, amidst all of the perfect poses with his big ear to ear nose to chin grin that just makes me melt. This is the picture below...

Now, there are some seriously cute pictures in this bunch, but this one is different. Before I get into why, I have a bit of a backstory to share. I have admitted a lot of the feelings I struggled with when first finding out about Ben's extra chromosome, but I don't think i've ever admitted this before. When Ben was first born, and every day since, we have taken a TON of pictures of him! A TON! Well amidst all those pictures, there were a few that seemed to showcase the delicate differences in his tiny face and body that made it apparent that he had Down syndrome. I am ashamed to say that in the very beginning, I had a tendency not to share those shots. I had a tendency to keep those to myself, and focused more on posting/showing the adorable smile or cute look photos that didn't showcase certain aspects of his appearance. I don't know why this was. I was NEVER ashamed of my baby, so please don't think that. I think it was more about being unsure about how other people reacted to him. I was slightly uncomfortable for some reason with wondering whether or not people could tell he had Down syndrome.

You see, a lot of my loving friends and family, and even Mark and myself, seemed to REALLY focus on the fact that he didn't look different at first. Everyone constantly said, "He doesn't look at all like he has Down syndrome!". People would say it as though it was a compliment, as if it would make us feel better. I admit, I even said it at times at first. Once again, I feel ashamed of that now. I feel like I owe the entire Down syndrome community an insanely huge apology for those hurtful comments. Why? Well, because now, after 18 months, after a year and a half of living the blessing that is being this little man's Mama, I realize that what makes Benny exactly as amazing as he is are those things that are there BECAUSE he has Down syndrome! Ben has Down syndrome. That is a fact. Ben LOOKS like he has Down syndrome. That is also a fact, and MOST DEFINITELY NOT A BAD THING. My Benny has Down syndrome, which makes him different, and my friends that which makes us different IS what makes us beautiful (Thank You Pippy and Tara).

Now, let's go back to this picture...

This is my absolute favorite picture of ALL his shots because it really shows him. I feel like it has captured exactly who he is...it has captured his soul. I love this picture because you can see the slant in his beautiful little almond eyes. I love this picture because you can see his tiny, low-set ears. I love this picture because you can tell he has little to no bridge on his nose. I LOVE this picture because you can CLEARLY see everything about my Benjamin that makes him MY BENJAMIN! From his mouth resting open to his frogged out legs, this picture more than any of them encapsulates everything that makes Ben different and I couldn't be more proud!

I thank God every single day for allowing me the honor to be his Mama. I have learned so much about life and have become a better person because of him. I can't imagine life without him exactly the way he is.

There are a lot of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I am not proud of that I experienced while traveling down the path of acceptance with Down syndrome, but I am not afraid to tell them to you. I am not afraid because I look at where I am now and I am proud. I am proud of my son and I am proud of myself. I even laugh at where I was because the best part is that I never reached that acceptance. Somewhere along the journey, I detoured. I realized that Ben was not something I needed to accept. I realized that Ben was a gift. Ben is an honor. Ben is my son, and he is more than beautiful! He is truly my angel. I realize today that I couldn't be prouder of those features that make him so uniquely HIM and now the pictures that showcase those parts of him are my absolute favorite!

My friends, Benny does indeed look like he has Down syndrome and I couldn't be prouder of that! He will carry those features like a badge of honor for the rest of his amazing life, and I as his Mama will show them off whenever I can!