An Apology To All The Mama's Before Me

I didn't get it...

Today was my first Mother's Day.  It was absolutely lovely.  My little man decided that he was going to give me the best gift a 9 month old could give his mother on Mama's Day, and that was that he slept in.  He slept in til 9:30 and IT WAS GLORIOUS!  Thank You Benjamin!  Mama loves you so much for that.  That was incredible, but bringing him in to bed and lying there with him and my husband was even better.  We had nowhere to be and we were just snuggling as a family.  I couldn't have asked for a better start to my first Mother's Day.  Then, I got my first present.  My husband made me a book.  He colored and decorated a Mother's Day book for him and Benny to write in every year on Mama's Day.  It was so adorable I can't even stand it.  Yeah, I got some other presents too and they were nice.  He got me a cup I had been wanting and free reign on a bunch of clothes I had been wanting to order, but the book was the best part.  Love U Marcus Aurelius...  (I'll explain that nickname in another post at another time)

I'd imagine I am not the first mother to spend some serious thought on her first Mother's Day thinking about the whole concept of it.  You can't help it.  For me, there were 33 years of this day being about my mom and all the other mama's I knew, and then today all of a sudden I was included on this pedestal of goddesses that came before me.  It's truly an honor.  It's an honor that I don't think I ever understood until now.  You see, standing on this pedestal looking around me, I found myself looking into the loving, beautiful faces of so many women and I suddenly felt ashamed.  I felt so very, very humbled.

I try really, really hard not to be a judgemental person.  I do.  However, hard as I try, it happens sometimes.  I am not one to say these things out loud, they stay in my head, but they are still hurtful.  If not to anyone else, they are hurtful to me and my own soul.  It doesn't happen often, but happen it does. The reason I felt ashamed up on that pedestal was because I have judged these Mamas before.  I have judged them for things that I did not understand, and for that I am truly sorry.  So for today, on my first Mama's Day, I would like to write an apology letter to all the Mama's before me.  I am so sorry that I did not get it.

• I apologize for all the times your kids were sick and you had to call off work, and I was angry about it.  This one goes out to so many of you, and I can't apologize enough.  Benny was sick, and I mean REALLY sick, for the very first time these last two weeks.  I get it.  Yes, it's true that someone else could have taken your kids to the doctor like I thought.  Yes, it's true that they could have stayed home with someone else.  Yes, it's true that it was probably just a cold and no big deal.  But I now understand that your heart and your mind would have been in pieces thinking about them all day if you had come in to work. I now understand that you stayed awake all night amidst terrifying anxiety over all the "What Ifs".  I now understand that there is some instinctual need inside our children that makes them want nothing more than their Mama's when they are sick, and that is not something to be ignored.  I am so sorry, and I want you to know that I get it.  Now, I get it. 

• I apologize to the lady at (insert any public place) whose child was screaming uncontrollably, and I was angry.  I now understand that it is possible that this was your 34th attempt at picking up dinner to feed said child at the grocery store, and had nothing left at your house short of stale bread and water.  I now understand that is it possible that you just worked a 10 hour day and didn't want to have to take your child out to the mall to pick up the present for her friend's birthday party either, but you were trying to be a good mother.  I now understand that this might be the first time you have left the house in days, and screaming child or not this moment of seeing adults at the post office is reminding you that there is life after Barney.  I get it.  Now, I get it.

• I apologize to every single one of my friends that didn't want to "go out" with me every weekend anymore because of something going on with their kids.  I am sorry that I rolled my eyes on the other end of the phone.  I am so ashamed that I never understood why it was such a big deal to get away.  I am even more ashamed that I truly thought the reason you didn't come was because it was too hard to get away, and I didn't realize the real reason.  If you had told me the real reason, I am even more ashamed to say I still wouldn't have understood it.  I now know the real reason was that you wanted to spend as little time away from your little loved ones as possible.  I understand how quickly the time we have with them when they are little goes by, and that every second of that time is worth more than anything on this earth.  Also, I want to thank you for the times you did slip away to be with me.  I now understand how much our friendship means to you if you would trade any of that time to be with me.  Granted, I probably throw up on you a lot less, so that is a big win for me.  I get it.  Now, I get it.  

• I apologize to everyone that chose not to breastfeed, and I secretly didn't understand why.  It's freaking hard.  I mean REALLY FREAKING HARD, and I get it.  Now, I get it. 

• Finally, I apologize to anyone that I have ever giggled at because they smelled like spit up, throw up, or God love it even poopy diapers, or to anyone that just looked like they smelled.  I went to Kroger last weekend to get some infant tylenol and I was a hot mess.  Not only did I look like a zombie, I literally had throw up all over my should and had no idea it was there.  My clothes did not match even a little, and I still had make-up on from the day before.  I don't think I need to say anything else here.  I get it.  Like, for real, I really, really get it.  

There is probably so much more that I will want to apologize for as my Mama days add up, but for now these are the top that come to mind.  You are all amazing women.  You are a strong, beautiful bunch of bad-ass ladies!  I hope you all can accept my apology.  I humbly ask for you forgiveness.  I do ask for one more thing from you though.  When you have that friend, that co-worker, or even that stranger that seems to get that look on their face when something is going on with your children that they don't understand, don't be hurt by it.   They will get it one day.  And, when they do, they will be so unbelievably happy to be ashamed and make this same apology like I am right now.  Like I said, I feel honored to be one of you.  I feel blessed to be standing on that pedestal today next to all that came before me.  I am ashamed, but I am smiling because there is no one that I would rather be today than Benjamin's Mama.  Ladies, I get it and I applaud you.  Happy Mother's Day Mamas.  

XOXO

Just Keep Swimming

For some reason I always pictured myself taking swim classes with my baby, so when my neighbor told me that there were some near our house I immediately got excited!  I mean, come on, how cute are the babies you always see on television with their cute, chubby selves swimming like champs in the pool?

I signed Benny and I up to go to class every Saturday from the end of March through June.  We had to, of course, go out and buy the proper attire for swim class.  This consisted of some very cute swim shorts for The Benjamin.  They were covered in cool dude looking fishies with sunglasses on.  Daddy picked those ones out.  Apparently, they were the most "manly" looking.  Then, of course, there was a lot of other pre-class prep I had to do including checking with Ben's specialist to ensure all was good with him taking a swim class.  With the addition of his extra chromosome, I figure it doesn't hurt to ask since I don't know what I don't know!

I was so excited to take him the first day of class despite the fact that this would be the first time seeing myself in a post-baby bathing suit.  I have to say, not as bad as it could be but could still use some work.  I digress...

I put on Benny's new swim diaper and his cute little shorts, got myself all ready, and walked out into the pool area.  Ben loves baths, so I wasn't nervous about him liking the water.  I walked right on over and set down in the toddler area with him in my lap.  I was all smiles, and he was all ... well he kind of just sucked him thumbs.  We were sitting there playing in the water when all the other families started showing up for class.  Oh man was it cute baby overload!  Of course, this is when it happened.  I don't know why it always happens, but IT does.  The curse of the comparison strikes again!  Immediately all the Mama's including myself start talking about how old their babies are and this and that, but then everyone always shifts to the "MY baby is doing this, is yours?" and, "Oh, he's not doing that yet?  Ohhhh he'll get there when he gets there!".  Now, I KNOW that I am super-sensitive to this and that no one means anything by it, but I always start feeling awkward.

It was easy when Ben was a newborn, but now that he is getting older it's becoming obvious to people that he is delayed.  They always seem to go from casual conversation to whether or not I am or think I should be worried about the fact that he is or isn't doing something yet.  Then, my internal struggle begins.  I immediately wonder whether or not I just say i'm not worried, or do I tell them he has Down Syndrome?  I mean, everyone close to me already knows, but it's situations like this that seem so awkward.  I've gone both ways on it.  I have literally blurted out to complete strangers that he has Down syndrome within sentences of a casual conversation whether it pertains to said conversation or not.  If you are picturing me with an odd look on my face just blurting this out, then you are completely picking up what I am putting down.  I am sure I look/sound like a complete spaz.  Then, there are other times, when I let the conversation dance around it.  I don't say anything, yet I wonder the whole time whether or not they can tell.

Back to the pool.  As soon as the milestone talk begins I immediately said some colorful four-letter words to myself, and sat quietly.  Internally, I started to get nervous.  I was looking around.  The age for a baby to be in the swim class was six months.  The other babies were all Ben's age or younger, yet they were all sitting on their own, crawling, and some were even standing!  The anxiety was kicking in big time.  What if, even though he was 8 months old, he wasn't where he needed to be yet for this class?

Before another anxiety riddled thought could cross my mind, we began.  It was simple at first.  We sang Wheels on the Bus and splashed in the water.  Ben, was not so interested.  Then we just held the babies and walked around the lazy river.  Once again, Benny just sucked both his thumbs at the same time.  Then, it came time for the underwater dip.  Apparently, if you blow in an infants face they will close their eyes and mouths .  The instructor asked us to go first.  I was frozen.  I was so scared thinking, "What if he doesn't hold his breath? What if he is delayed with that instinct and I don't know it yet?  What if, what if WHAT IF???".  I calmly asked if we could go to the end of the line...

Baby after baby went under the water and emerged to cheers from the crowd!  YAY BABY!  They all did so good, and it was finally our time.  I was so nervous, but I walked over and set Benny up on the edge of the slide.  I looked him right in the eye and, literally, said, "Buddy, you can do ANYTHING anyone else can do!  If they can do it, you can do it!"  Ben, who had finally stopped sucking his thumbs and noticed we were doing something new, looked back at me right in the eyes as if to say, "I'm ready Mama!"  I triumphantly lifted him up, blew in his face, dunked him under, and... it scared the shit out of him.  I mean, literally, he pooped.  He started crying and looking at me like I just committed a heinous act of treason, and smelled so bad we had to leave the class early.  It literally scared the shit out of him.

After we got him all cleaned up and he was passed out cold in the car, I just began laughing.  I mean, seriously, how funny is that?  It had nothing to do with the fact that he had Down syndrome.  He is just an 8 month old baby that was dunked under the water for the first time, and got the pooped scared out of him.  THAT'S SO NORMAL!

The next class was so different.  I was calm, and didn't worry at all.  Ben was different too.  He was splashing in the water this time, and kept looking up at me like, "Wow Mama!".  Then, it came time for the dunking part.  We tried it again, and he rocked it!  My cute, cute little man!

It's crazy how jacked up my thoughts make me sometimes.  I don't ever, EVER want to hold Ben back from anything because of my own stupid fears.  I won't do that to him.  I just won't.  Just like any other kid he's gonna fall, he's gonna cry, and he's gonna learn a few things the hard way.  Every once in a while, he might even get the shit scared out of him.  My job is gonna be to wipe his butt, and make sure he does better next time!