2016's Silver Linings Playbook

2016...

Whew!  For better or for worse, this has been a YEAR alright.  I think I've seen more of the "2016 can suck it" type memes this year than ever before.  There's a lot, and I mean a LOT, that we could focus on that makes 2016 pretty deplorable for a lot of folks.  The thing is though, you have to be careful about that.  You need to ensure that the bad things that happen are never what define you day, your year, or most importantly your life.  I assure you that in my 36 years on this planet, I have never more more certain of anything than the fact that there is always good that comes from every bad. There is always a lesson, a greater accomplishment, a hidden meaning behind your troubles.

In the spirit of reflection, here are my Silver Linings of 2016:

5) I Know I Am More Than My Job

I've worked with Verizon for almost 18 years, which at 36 is literally half my life.  This is the only job I know, and the last year or so has brought with it so major changes and cuts in my company.  I watched many, many friends lose their positions, and I found myself more than once awaiting a phone call to find out if I still had one myself.  I've been switched to new teams with a new manager I didn't know three times in 14 months.  I've learned the lesson that despite how hard you work, you are never indispensable.  As hard and stressful as this was, it made me take a hard look at myself and what I am capable of.  It made me look at what my options are, what talents I have.  It made me realize that if I lost my job, my world would not end.  I am watching my former co-workers thrive in new positions.  I am watching co-workers finding joy they never knew as they now stay home with their children.  I've realized that if it happened, I would thrive too.  I've realized that I am not defined by the name on my paycheck, and that is liberating.

4) I Understand My Loved Ones With Anxiety & Depression More Than Ever

I am blessed as a human with very level emotions.  Despite having superhuman empathy at times, I am generally very calm and rational.  I don't get moody too often, and I am generally in great spirits. After having Ellie in February by C-Section, I found I started experiencing anxiety and extreme mood swings.  I went through a few months where my stress and anxiety levels were so out of control I couldn't get through a day without screaming at someone.  This was NOT me, at all, NOT even on my worst day.  On one particular day, I found myself screaming at Ellie.  She was six months old.  I immediately broke down in tears holding her and apologizing to her.  I called Mark over to take over, and I called my doctor.  After a visit, it appeared my hormones were not regulating and I was suffering from Postpartum Depression/Anxiety.

I have never felt like this in my entire life.  I have never once known what it felt like to not be in control of one's emotions.  I mean, while pregnant, you feel out of control but at the same time you know there's a reason for it.  There's a level of understanding.  There was no reason, no understanding for how I felt six months after until I finally broke down and called my doctor.  You see, I didn't want to call my doctor.  I was afraid.  I was terrified that, since mood disorders run in my family, I was experiencing a break.  Once explaining how PPD/PPA manifest, my doctor stated that if I took medication for 6-12 months I would be back to normal and stop taking it.

I was still afraid, but followed her order.  It was night and day.  Less than a week later I was me again.  I couldn't believe how much better I felt.  I was enjoying my children and my husband again, and not constantly feeling like the world was caving in on me.  I could breathe...  Then, it hit me.  I finally, FINALLY understand what my husband feels like daily.  I finally understood his emotions when his anxiety and depression creep up on him.  I finally understood why he couldn't just "snap out of it" like I wanted to tell him so many times.  I felt horrible, yet I felt enlightened.  I felt closer to him, and more accepting of who he is.  We've grown so much closer because of this one incident, and I am so thankful that I experienced it.




3) Tragedy Can Begin To Repair A Broken Family

I must be vague here.  I'm pretty open about my life, but sometimes a story is someone elses to tell. This story is just that, but I will share my lesson.  We had a struggle in our family this year that we've had before, but this year that struggle reached a level I hadn't seen in a long time where we almost lost someone.  During this struggle, we were in the midst of another struggle where a member of our family had disassociated themselves with the rest of us.  As horrible as it was to go through some of the things we went through, it also manifested into the beginnings of repairing what was already broken.  Sometimes it takes something bad, something REALLY horrible to make everything get back to the good place.

2) Sometimes Losing Is Gaining

We reached a point this year where we realized we could no longer keep our house.  As much as I loved it, and my neighborhood, we couldn't afford to live in a hundred year old home anymore.  After MUCH stress, after way too many tears shed by me about giving up a house I loved so much, we found ourselves giving or selling away more than half our possessions and moving into a condo my sister owned.  I kicked, and screamed, and cried about everything in regard to this move.  I was a complete mess.  Then, we started getting settled.  Our new home is so stress free it's unreal.  It's easy to maintain, the kids are so happy here and easy to watch, and we have expendable income for the first time in years.  Plus, Benny is now in a school that is just blowing every expectation we had out of the water.  He is thriving, and so are we.

1) My Faith In My Marriage Is Stronger Than Ever

Granted, it didn't happen in 2016, but Mark and I did almost get divorced once a few years back.  The Silver Lining of that situation reared it's beautiful face this year.  Through all the stress above, and then some, my husband and I went through quite the rough patch.  This rough patch was bad, but because of everything we went through in the past, I have perspective.  2016 taught me how strong our relationship truly is because as bad as things got, I never lost faith that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  We are on the other side of this now and as good as it feels, it feels even better the know that our marriage is strong enough to handle anything... even if I do want to back hand him now and again.


2016... Thank You.  This has been a growing year for me and my family!  Thank you for giving me my beautiful, spirited little girl.  Thank You for giving me more clarity than ever!!!

To all of you, I challenge you to do the same.  What did you learn this year?  How did you grow from your trials?  I would love to hear it!!!

Unless it's about the election.... If it's about the election, I'm good with hearing about that for a while!

xoxo

Jamie

Learning What "Normal" Looks Like

A few weeks back, at the whopping age of four months old, my beautiful little girl stuck her little tongue out and blew a raspberry at me.  She was imitating me blowing them at her and making my heart melt with that full out belly laugh she already has.  As I reveled and celebrated in this new milestone, I got a small lump in my throat.  This has been happening quite a bit...

I'll never forget the day we met Benny's early intervention team.  As they went through some information with us, they reluctantly informed us of some of the things that would be more difficult for Benny.

"He most likely won't walk until around 2, maybe 3 years old..."

Mark and I looked at each other, unfazed, and started cracking up.  This threw them off a little, so I quickly explained that we had no clue when a baby typically started walking, so this wasn't much of a shock to us.  Mark and I were completely baby illiterate.  We all had a good laugh at our expense and carried on.

This is how I spent the first two and a half years of Benny's life. I honestly didn't really understand how different his development was.  I thought I did, but I didn't.  I had the charts, I knew that he did things later on than most babies his age, but charts never fazed me.  I had friends who had kids within weeks of Benny, and seeing their development would make me take a step back for a moment, but then I would return home to our little bubble.

Then, on February 19th, 2016, at 9:03am, Ellie was born...and my bubble was popped.

It didn't take long for me to start noticing things were different with her.  I wasn't even closed up on the table after my C-Section when Ellie lifted her little head up off my chest to look around at the new world she had just arrived in.  She then scooted her beautiful little body over to perfectly latch on and feed to her little heart's content.  It was beautiful, and wonderful, and I had that lump in the back of my throat.  Benny didn't lift his head til he was around three months old.  Not at all.  He also didn't latch and nurse until the was eight weeks old.

For the next few days I started noticing more and more.  When I held Ellie she was firm.  She wriggled, and squirmed, and was just ... strong.  When you have a baby with Down syndrome, the doctor's use the term "floppy" often.  They told me Benny had "Severe Hypotonia" and that he was a very "Floppy" baby.  I always smiled in understanding when they told me this.  I totally got it...except I didn't.  I didn't understand what they meant until I had held Ellie for the first few hours of her life.  I started realizing that she didn't just melt into me the way Benny did.  Her arms and legs held strong and didn't just "flop" like Benny's did.  I call Benny "bug" to this day because he was such a little cuddle bug in the way that his little body molded right into mine.

It all kept happening...

There were certain things that I knew would happen earlier that were obvious, like when she began

rolling around at three months, but there were others I wasn't expecting.  When Ellie began babbling, she quickly progressed into making all sorts of sounds unlike anything I've ever heard Ben make.  Ellie, at five months, makes more sounds that Benny does at 3 years of age.  It made me think back to all the times I was asked on milestone questionaires, "What vowel/consonant sounds is Benny making?"  I would quickly answer with, "ALL KINDS!  He just babbles away!  He's a great talker!".  The problem was that he wasn't, but I had no idea.  No clue what "normal" was, so I thought he was doing great.

I don't really know why the lump forms.  I'm not sad about Benny's delays, because that is who Benny is.  Actually, I LOVE how much time I got to enjoy him being a newborn.  I LOVE how long it took before he wasn't just content being cuddled in my arms all day.  I think the lump forms because for the first time in his entire three years, I am being thrust into the light of knowing that my sweet boy is indeed very, very delayed.  I no longer live in my bubble.  I no longer only get pushed into the horrible pit of kid comparison on occasion, I have it happening right in front of my eye.

It's not sad, it's just a new understanding.  It humbles me, and makes me realize how little I still understand how brave my little boy is, and how it will always take him so much more effort to do things that will come easily to his little sister.

It makes me realize just how damn proud I am of him that he has come as far as he has now knowing exactly how hard it was for him.

I am in awe of his beautiful determination everyday.

I love you my little cuddle bug.

Happy Mother's Day 2016

I am a bit of a collector of hobbies...

I have done a LOT of stuff!  I an a reader, a blogger, a DJ, a Movie Buff, a jewelry maker, a crafter, an actress, a film editor, a graphic designer, a traveler, a screenwriter, a cook, a yoga enthusiast, and God only knows what else I've attempted to turn myself into over the years!

Take all this into account, and my hands down, FAVORITE thing I've been so far is a MAMA.

Being a Mother for me is the most rewarding and challenging adventure I have ever embarked on.  It's wonderful, terrible, amazing, and horrifying all at the same time!!! 

From the second my sweet boy entered this world, I knew being his Mama is exactly who I am meant
to be.  When his sister, my beautiful little lady, entered our world three months ago, it just confirmed for me that I am exactly where I want to be in this life.

That doesn't mean it hasn't been challenging...

I go back to work tomorrow after three trying and beautiful months with both my babies.  I am filled with a rainbow of emotions today, on my first Mother's Day as a Mama of two.  The thought of leaving the two of them tomorrow is breaking my heart into a million pieces, and I can barely stand the thought of it.  I can't help but look back on the last three months and think of everything I have learned.

• I am so glad I enjoyed every moment I could cuddling and paying complete attention to Benny when he was born, because you DO NOT GET TO DO THAT WITH BABY #2!!!
• Feeling guilty is most certainly a part of being a Mama that simply never goes away.  As a matter of fact, you just feel more guilty about more things as time goes on and you inevitably mess more and more crap up.  Embrace it and know that it just means you are doing a great job!
• You really CAN'T do everything.  You just can't.  Something has to give somewhere, so be very careful how you prioritize the time you have.  Figure out what is most important to you and your babies, and focus on that.  For me, I choose cuddles over cleaning and laughing over laundry.  This means I simply have to be unapologetic over my mess of a house while my babies are still little.  It goes so fast so enjoy what matters, and forgive yourself for what falls through the cracks.
• You will find yourself in many, MANY uncomfortable situations each and every day as a Mama, and if you want to survive you NEED and MUST find the joy in every situation!  This is survival 101.  You will be puked on, pooped on, and peed on.  You will burn the dinner trying to keep the baby from crying.  You will pour out the freshly pumped breastmilk because you are too tired to know what the hell you're doing.  You will read "That's Not My Puppy" 47 times a day, and you will watch the Uptown Funk video 147 times a day.  In every situation you must laugh, smile, and dance right through!!!  
• And...pay attention to this one Mamas... you will cry.  You will ball your eyes out uncontrollably at times and feel like you can't go on.  You will feel like a failure, like nothing is going to be ok.  You will feel like everyone else is so much better at this Mama-ing thing than you.  This is ok.  It's ok to break down, and when you do it you have to try to remember one thing.  YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.  Every Mama feels like this now and again.  Let the tears out, let yourself cry, then get up and remind yourself that you ARE a bad ass Mama.  You ARE doing an amazing job.  If you are still questioning yourself, just look at the smile on your little one's faces that are filled with pure love for you.  
• As much as you love that time with your babies, you need a freaking break from time to time.  Even if it's just a long shower alone (so hard to come by), take the help from those who offer and get away for a minute.  You'll be a better Mama because of it.
• You know how hard it is, so try not to judge anyone else for how they are getting through this business of being a Mama.  Mama-ing is hard, and we are all struggling.  Help each out out, build each other up, but NEVER judge each other with harsh words for taking a different route on the same path.  It's a guessing game for all of us, and I'm sure you've messed up something just as bad as the Mama you are judging has!  God knows we all do...

These are just a few things on my mind today.  So, I leave you with this.  I know it's hard, it's impossible, but man is it OH SO REWARDING and BEAUTIFUL!!!!  Find the joy in those hard moments, because everyone always tells you that the hardest times are the ones you will miss the  most before you know it. To drive home my point, here is a beautiful picture my husband took of my babies and I this morning.  I figured I'd share, because if this picture doesn't exemplify EXACTLY what it means to be a MOM, I don't know what does!!!!

Happy Mother's Day you beautiful ladies!!!!

My Mantra

I'm a mantra type of gal!  I always have a mantra I repeat to myself often and that mantra changes depending on what is going on with my life at the time.

When Ellie was born, I felt this overwhelming pressure come over me. There is a different pressure that exists when you give birth to a little girl vs a little boy. All of a sudden, every failure you think you have as a woman becomes very vivid and you feel panicked to ensure your daughter never makes any of those same mistakes. Ha! It's an interesting new anxiety I tell ya!  This new pressure I was feeling needed to be let go of, so like I always do I developed a new mantra. I started with, "Be the woman you want HER to BE!"  I liked it, but something was off. I don't want Ellie to be what I want her to be. I want Ellie to be herself, to shine with all of her beautiful colors for all the world to see!  I want her to be exactly who she grows to want to be. Therefore, I altered my mantra.

"BE the woman I want THEM to SEE!!"

The best thing I can do for both my children, is be someone they can be proud of and be inspired by. I want them to grow up knowing they have a mother who is strong, kind, positive, creative, and spontaneous.  The best thing I can do for them is to always strive to be the best version of myself.

I am at an odd crossroads in my life right now. I am superbly happy at home but there are other parts of my life that give me an uneasy feeling. I feel as though I need some serious change and those changes are scary. Those changes are going to require me to take some risks and some serious leaps of faith.

When I consider making these life altering changes, my anxiety kicks in. When my anxiety kicks in right now I have to ask myself, "Do I want my kids to be risk takers?  Do I want my kids to follow their passions in life?  Do I want my kids to always follow a path to better themselves and continuously learn about who they are in this life?"

BE the woman I want them to SEE!

Hell yes I want that for them! Looks like I have a lot of work to do...on myself!

Alright universe look out! This Mama is about to rattle the cage a little!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Down Syndrome Consciousness Month

Hello Friends!

Happy Down Syndrome Consciousness Month to all of you in the Philippines from my Benny and I here in the US!

I had Ben in August of 2013.  He was born with big, beautiful, Brushfield spotted blue eyes and the most perfect chubby little face I'd ever seen.  We knew he would be born with Down syndrome, and while it was a shock, by the time he was born we were ready for the journey we had been given!

It wasn't long after he was born that October was upon us.  October in the US is Down Syndrome Awareness Month.  I remember really thinking about what that meant at the time in a way I never thought of it before.  I had done countless walks, runs, etc to raise awareness for many causes such as Breast Cancer, Alzheimer's Disease, and more.  I had attended charity functions, fundraisers, and the like.  I had also forwarded posts and pictures my friends asked for me to spread bringing awareness for things like Type 1 diabetes.  I had done these things, but I am ashamed to admit that I don't think I ever really knew why I was doing them.  I found myself, holding my beautiful two month old baby boy in arms, reflecting on what exactly "AWARENESS" or "CONSCIOUSNESS" really means.

The day I was told Benjamin would be born with Down syndrome, I was devastated.  It felt like someone had told me that the child I was carrying had died.  I know this sounds horrible, and I hate that I felt that way, but it is true.  I was crushed.  Every hope and dream I had for my baby felt as though it has slipped away with those two words... Down syndrome. 

But Why?  Why did I feel that way?

At this point in my life if you would have asked me if I was "aware" of Down syndrome, I would have of course said yes...and this would not have been true.  Sure, I knew someone with Down syndrome.  I saw it on TV, in movies, and I read the clinical definitions, but I was not aware of what it truly meant to have a child with Down syndrome.  I had no clue. 

Awareness isn't about facts and figures.  Awareness isn't about potential medical problems, or soft markers, or therapy styles that help best with hypotonia.  Awareness isn't about a cute meme with an almond eyed beauty that says, "I can do anything!".

Awareness is about spreading a true understanding that having Down syndrome plays no part in the value an individual brings into our world.  

I have made it my goal to spread awareness the best I can by sharing Benny with the world.  I want the world to see him for who he is.  I want them to see my family and the smiles he puts on the faces of everyone around him.  I want them to look at my sweet boy and no longer be afraid if they find themselves in a doctor's office one day and hear the words "Down syndrome" uttered.

We spread awareness and consciousness so the rest of the world can see the beautiful light that shines from within those born with or without an extra chromosome.

Enjoy this month my friends, and TELL YOUR STORIES!!!  Scream them loud and proud to the world until they have no choice but to listen.  Make them see the beauty in being different.

God knows...if you open their eyes just a little bit...they will have no choice but to be overwhelmed by it.

I know I am every day.

Photo by www.angelahibbertphotography.com

xoxo

Jamie