I have about seven unfinished blogs right now, because I feel like every time I get five minutes to start one I instantly get sidetracked. Today, however, I needed to write. It's my therapy and sometimes I just need to do it.
If you follow our journey on Ben Through It All, you will know that Mark and I have been blessed with just about the happiest baby in the world. That little guy came out smiling! Every single day with him was filled with jibber jabbers and smiles, up until shortly after his 6 month appointment.
It was so odd how it happened. My little man that smiled and talked all day long just...stopped. He stopped talking and he stopped smiling. I didn't notice right away. I kind of assumed, hoped, prayed that it was just a bad day or two. That bad/off day or two turned in to a bad/off week or two and then in to a month. This was absolutely terrifying once it set in. I spend way too much time on the internet googling things, so this sudden back-pedaling was inducing a stream of horrible scenarios sweeping across my subconscious daily. I immediately started kicking myself for allowing him to get his six month vaccinations, thinking all the horror stories were true and he was now autistic as well as having Down Syndrome (Rates of Autism in boys with Down Syndrome are higher than in boys without). I started thinking that maybe he wasn't going to be as high-functioning as I had myself believing and this regression was a sign of that. What if his hearing was going? What if there was something else wrong that the internet hasn't prepared me for yet? What if...what if ...what if...
The "What If" game is exhausting! I am exhausted. I tried so hard to ignore it, but it didn't work. Every single time something like this happens, I find myself immediately evaluating whether or not I am making it up in my head, or if there really is a problem. After about a month of all this, I started realizing that everyone else was noticing too. It wasn't just me. Ben really had stopped talking and smiling.
Ben is also not hitting milestones in other areas. He still does not roll, nor does he put any weight on his hands at all. Even his head still gets a little heavy for him to hold up when he's sleepy. This becomes most apparent to me when I get him around other babies his own age. Yes, he is supposed to be delayed due to the Down Syndrome, but Ben is slightly behind where he is supposed to be on the Down Syndrome milestone charts.
There I was. My happy baby had stopped smiling, stopped talking, and wasn't progressing in any other areas as well. I have a question for you all? How do you NOT blame yourself for things like this?! It's insane, really, that I do blame myself. Rationally I know it's not my fault. Rationally I know that there could be a million explanations for this. RATIONALLY I realize that he will get there when he gets there. However, my emotions and my rational thoughts don't play nice together. They fight like you would not believe, and my emotions are tough. My emotions beat the living snot out of my rational thoughts on a regular basis leaving me a complete mess on the inside. Emotionally, I am completely blaming myself daily for any and all milestones that Ben does not hit. I immediate feel bad that I work and cannot be home with him all day. I blame myself for not doing more of his exercises with him while I am home. I kick my own ass over only getting to read to him a few nights instead of every night like I want to. I feel guilty that sometimes I just want to hold him and talk to him instead of working on his little muscles.
Ben turned 8 months old on Saturday. About a week or so before that, he started talking again. Oh thank you lord! He started talking and has been talking more and more every single day. His smiles, although they still aren't as often as they used to be, are coming back too! We got to see his big ear-to-ear nose-to-chin grins this weekend for the first time in months! His smiles are coming back...
My best-friend, Ramie, had a similar situation with her daughter, Addison. It seems that babies will revert on a skill when they are working on something else or when they are going through a growth-spurt. Well, there was definitely a growth spurt. Ben went from still wearing 3-6 months clothes at his 6 month appointment, and was wearing a 12 month onesie on Tiger's opening day. My little man practically doubled in size in a month!
Motherhood is quite the journey. I am still worried for Ben. He is still behind on a lot of things, but I really do know he will get there. What I wonder, being that Ben is my first child, is whether or not these feelings of inadequacy are there for every mom? Does everyone feel the way I do, or is it because Ben has Down Syndrome? Sometimes I am glad Ben is my first child, because I really don't know any different. However, there are other times like this where I wish I knew whether my feelings are normal or not. Then again, it's motherhood. Is anything ever really normal again? Also, if I am going to be honest, this is me we are talking about. I was never really that normal to begin with.
